Goodbye?

Last 2 weeks , I couldn't even remember that well , there was a day where she finally had the gut to say goodbye to me. Finally, my nightmare had come true.

There was something happened before this 'goodbye-ish thing' happened. I don't blame her for leaving me because I know it was totally my fault. It was just my fault. Even before before this , it was all my fault. I shouldn't pushed her away at the first place. Now , she's gone. Living her life without me , her star princess , uhm , used to be. 

Wallah , it hurts. My hearts ached once she said ' goodbye and thanks for everything '. I cried really bad until the next day , my face became so pale, eeep. Everyone in the class was asking me ' naddy , asal muka kau pucat. are you okay? ' and I was like ' emmm , okay ja , biasalah batuk batuk' padahal dalam hati rasa nak menangis lagi sebaldi. cait! Even now,  at this time , I'm writing this with my heart that still aching. It  hurts losing someone that helped me a lot throughout my school life , not only that , even when I left school , she still helped me to the extent that I forever owed her. 

And now , again , she's gone. forever. because of me.

Because of my freaking bloody attitudes that sometimes I don't even  understand. 

I know and I realised that , no matter how much I cried until my eyes hurt , still I couldn't bring her back into my life. It's too late.

--

So , Teacher Bazla , if you're reading this, I do love you at the first place. Not only as my English teacher but also as an important person in my life. I just don't know how to express this feeling. I know that I keep pushing you away because I'm scared such thing like this will happen , and it happened, basically. I know you're tired. I know how it feels. I'm tired, too. Tired of keep pushing you away. I don't want that. It just sometimes , I can't control my mind from thinking of idk how to explain this...... pft. 

I'm sorry for every single thing that I did. I hurt you , a lot. It's time for you to have a rest. I will never become a burden to you anymore. I want you to live a happy life , with or without me. I'm trying to live my life like you but you know, it's not easy at all, I keep reminiscing our memory together hahaha. I'm still stuck with the same memories all over again. 

Thank you for everything. You helped me a lot that I couldn't even list here. It's a lot. I owe you, forever. I don't know how to repay you but I know that I can tell Allah how beautiful you are, I can tell Allah that you helped me a lot , you are there through my ups and downs , and only He can repay you with a lot of things beyond than what can I repay.... it's just now , idk who will be my English tutor then. Hahaha. Gotta learn to be independent. 

In addition , no worry , you're still one of the reason for me to stay strong. I still remembered every bits and pieces of your advices. You're still one of my happy pills. You're still one of the person that I keep mentioning to Allah. Pft , doakan orang pun nak bagitau ke. apa daaaa.

Stay safe , Teacher Bazla.

You're one of the beautiful fate , in my life.

Thank you , O Allah.

 I know You knows best.

At least , You know that I've tried.

Ps , now i'm so phobia when someone said goodbye to me. hua...

Pictures I’m living through for now
Trying to remember all the good times
Our life was cutting through so loud
Memories are playing in my dull mind
I hate this part paper hearts
And I’ll hold a piece of yours

Don’t think I would just forget about it

Sincerely ,
star princess , used to be.