Hello , 2018!

Gosh , it's already 2018?

 ....and bye-bye 2017. 

2017 passed us in a flash. Honestly , I've no idea.... what I had been going through for the whole year. It's just so weird I couldn't really recall major events that happened throughout the year ; it's like I'm having a short term memory for temporary being. Nonetheless , 2017 has been a crazy roller coaster year in my life, so far. When others are so sad to leave 2017, here I am , I just don't know what to feel, guys. This is so not me -______-" #bcsIamexxageratedkindofpersonmostofthetime

Okay here , let me try to recall back everything that happened... 

During the first trimester of the year, I remember that it was a very sucks and lonely at the beginning. I was in my last semester for foundation studies and my friends and I had to move from Uia Gombak to PJ which I was frustated at the first place because our room was super small and hot and the toilet was gross. Euw. After that , I coped with it and let the darkness and loneliness be my good friend. On the top of that, even though I hate the fact that I need to stay at PJ for the last semester and I'm being super rebellious,  I had the chance to stay close with one of my best-friend. Nah , she made my last semester way better than what I thought. I also still remember that I just being super annoying myself, keep pushing people away and being sad all the time during the first three months where after that I lost myself someone who actually loved me a lot back then , but now , we're no longer talk to each other like how we used to do. It was me who messed things up. Heck yah, I cried for the whole week, gurl. #soweak #Imissherlahh:(

 The next next months  I managed to finish my foundation alhamdulillah passed with flying colours. After that, holiday time! I stayed at home and did nothing. I should go to a driving class but I didn''t do so  I should be working , collecting bucks for my future but too lazy to do so and at the end,  I chose to stay at home and being such a crap daughter but still trying my best by helping my parents out running errands and did some chores too. I learned how to cook but my cooking was sucks , guys. Bla bla bla, holiday ended,  I got my offer letter for Degree, mashaAllah! I also managed to pursue the course that I've been wanting since I was in Secondary school so it was ....... idk , I'm so grateful for that.

For the last three months, I lived my first semester as an undergraduate student. I got into so many activities , being a committee for so many events. I went out from my comfort zone by applying to be part of Tesl Society and I was chosen to be part of them! Ah thanks to those who voted. I tried to do lots of things and tried to make new friends even though there were some part that I failed because who loves to be friend with me duh? I'm just super complicated.  I did this and that, being super tired, created a dark circle around my eyes until I had no time to do things I like. Degree life is a tad bit hard but hello that's life, my dear, you gotta keep your expectations less. Besides that, I tried to fix my relationship with my family. I fought a lot with them but when I'm growing up , I realised, at the end, family comes first.  I tried to help my parents as much as possible as I know that they're getting older and definitely they need me to be there always, and help them. I also tried to not be too strict with my sibs hahaha. Not to forget, I managed to catch up with my best-friends which I would like to take that into account. I was so happy that I can spent a bit of time with them and talked about life. They are gems. Up until now, from we were together in Secondary school. Many more years insyaAllah! On the other hand, I also getting close with a particular person you know who you are that I never imagined that I would and could be close too. I don't know why but I used to push him away from me, removed him from any of my social medias and try to just make myself invisible from him because I always feel I'm not good enough or probably I've had a slightest anxiety that things I'm hoping for is not happening (nauzubillah) in the future and meh #overthinkingsucks buuuuuut he's still there and says "hello gurl , I'm here" Hahahaha. I'm glad that he's still  there when I need someone besides than my fam bam and my best-friends. I'm glad that he is not yet giving up with a jerk like me ..... for at least this time being :p

All I can say , I went through 2017 as a person who was lost and still trying to find herself back : it was the year I tried to pick myself pieces by pieces. It was the year I lost people I love, I was no longer talked with people that I used to talk to, I was being desperate for people to love me back, I hurt myself, I depressed and stopped doing things I love for quite some time. I chose to isolate myself from people, I felt so lonely even though I was in a crowded room  I cried a lot, I cried every time I want to go to sleep  I hated myself a lot to the extent I think I should just die, I doubted myself, I felt myself was (and is;) never good enough, I felt people were burden with my existence, I felt myself was annoying and people were annoyed with me  I was being super clingy and overly attached  I was craved for attention and I was jealous seeing my loved ones were happy without me by their side.

However, 2017 had been a great teacher for me. I learned a lot. I think I'm slowly healing. I noticed myself trying to be more patient and appreciative. I could see myself started to smile. laugh and  enjoy every little things and moments even with people that I rarely close. I could notice myself struggling my really best to love myself, unconditionally.  It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows for sure, I still have the feeling of hating myself sometimes , the loneliness still try its best to hit me, but I don't take it seriously, no more. It is way easier for me to deal with it now. Alhamdulillah.


I guess, 2017 had been a great teacher for you too , isn't?
And I couldn't predict that 2018 is going to be better , but I'm going to be a better person for 2018, with lesson and challenges that 2017 equipped me with. I couldn't wait what 2018 has store for me. It's not going to be easy , but as long as Allah is always there, I'm sure things are going to be fine, at the end of the day.




Happy New year everyone! Hv a blast year ahead.

xo,

Fatin N.