2019

2018 ends. 2019 comes.  Time flies? Can you believe it?

I'm unofficially 21. Whoa. Can you imagine? Can I cry? I'm freaking 21 and still, I don't know what I have achieved throughout my life. Lmao. Honestly, 2018 was not the best year for me. A lot of things happened that as far as I can recall, I don't know whether I enjoyed it or not.  All I can remembered was, I felt numb. 

Remember on my previous post regarding bye bye 2017 and hello 2018 whereby I mentioned that may this year will be a better year for me? Heh. I don't know whether I achieve that particular goal or not. On the other hand, I do feel like I'm just getting worst. I'm not getting better -- I'm just getting worst. The fact that no actions taken to improve myself made me even worser. Aaaaand honestly, I shouldn't be proud with myself, at all. nOpe. 

However, there were of course some things I have learned throughout a year. A lot, I may say. 

I sinned. I was diagnosed with a sickness (?). I need to consume medicines which I don't like. I fought with my friends. I no longer cry as when sadness creeps in, what I felt was feeling empty. I was heartless. I hated people and I hated myself even more. I isolated myself sumtimes. I felt insecure. I was selfish. I was ignorance. I was stupid. I was a fool. And all I was..

Nonetheless, there were some good things I've gained throughout the year as well. I was part of my class theatre and I was one of the main actresses. I joined Tesl Society. I handled certain programmes. I met new people. I went out from my comfort zone and mingle around with people  yet still kept my circle small. I was my seniors' little sister. Even though I was sick, I keep going. I took a car license (which I failed but never mind, life goes on). I met Kak Meenie and got very close with her. I got dean's list (even it was not that much but still, alhamdulillah). I was and still active with my business and got some amazing customers. The list goes on. 

2018 taught me a lot of things.

It taught me to keep going even when I was inflicted with hardship.

It taught me that happiness comes within me myself , not  from other people around ;

be it  from my family, my best-friends, my siblings, or even my partner.

It taught me that self-love is a process.

It taught me that no matter how hard I try, sometimes , it's just not meant to be.

It taught me that I have no power to make people stay.

It taught me to depend solely to Allah Taala.

It taught me that people change.

It taught me that it is okay to feel vulnerable and to feel that it's okay not to be okay.

It taught me that even if being kind is my way ; some people just don't know how to appreciate it.

It taught me to never judge people as it may affect me too in the future (God forbids)

It taught me that no matter how much I love someone , if that person wants to hurt my feelings, that person would do so.

It taught me that it is never okay to demotivate people.

It taught me to always-always-always be patient.

It taught me lots of things ; so called life experiences.

Despite of bad things that occurred during 2018; there were SO many good things to be grateful for. I know.  Due to that, I pray that this 2019 will be way better than last year. I do not ask for more. I just want to be a better Fatin Nadhirah in all aspect in life.

A better me; that can always bring spark, love, happiness to people around. 

Aamiin.

Happy New Year , believers.

Keep believing. Keep hoping. 

You're trying , Allah is rewarding. 

"kalau usaha banyak mana pun, kalau dah takde rezeki, takde juga" - AA//19"

but nothing is impossible kan? keep praying x

  Love you,

Fatin N.